QUIZ MADNESS

QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.


DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival
every
year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the
Conservative
Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.


QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?


MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?


SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.


FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?


THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes
the
letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific


ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er
...
three?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.


RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek
goddess
of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?


BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?


DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.


NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a)
Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now,
Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the
sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80
tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus

Peter Kay Funnies

 1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
>       Thyroid problem?'
>
>    2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>
>      Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
>      one and asked him to forgive me.
>
>    3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
>       wife to go swimming.
>
>    4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
>       don't get on with my real ladder.
>
>    5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
>       So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
>
>    6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
>       Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16
>       hardened criminals.
>
>    7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
>       names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and
>       stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it
>       worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
>
>    8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
>       probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
>    9) Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you
>       better have a good hand.
>
>    10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
>        neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should
>        be enough.'
>
>    11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
>        made out of meat?
>
>    12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
>        nervous and give the wrong answers.
>
>    13) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me
>        neither.
>
>    14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
>        from things they don't understand, such as working for a
>        living.
>
>    15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
>
>    16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
>        I think I've forgotten this before
>
>    1.2 Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
>        1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>
>        2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>
>        3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
>           when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
>           complete stranger.
>
>        4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
>     manly.
>
>        5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
>           to have a fire in your back garden.
>
>        6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>
>        7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>
>        8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
>
>        9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
>           you at the first given opportunity.
>
>       10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
>           half way through and then raced against the flush.
>
>       11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>
>       12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
>
>       13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
>
>       14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
>
>       15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who
>     has had their arm broken by a swan.
>
>       16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
>           piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
>
>       17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
>           putting it in a fruit salad.
>
>    1.3 Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay:
>
>        1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
>           undressed?
>
>        2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
>           down to the core of the earth?
>
>        3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>        4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
>           arse?
>
>        5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
>           you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an
>           alcoholic'?
>
>        6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
>
>        7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
>        8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
>           for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
>        9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
>           to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
>
>       10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
>       11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
>           I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever
>              comes out'?
>
>       12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?
>
>       13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
>           time,but don't point to their crotch when they ask where
>     the bathroom is?
>
>       14) What do you call male ballerinas?
>
>       15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
>       16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
>       17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
>           from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
>       18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over
>           a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if
>     they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it
to
make
> sure?
>