24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN 1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands,  open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.  4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.  5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other  rubbish - noisy destruction.    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding owards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.  8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron  burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look  like!" 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.   12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. > 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean > you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of > the pub doesn't know that. > 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. > Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. > 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the > blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are > now your dad. > 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? > 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms > with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until > then, we'll make do with the aisles. > 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber > later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing > better is peeling notes off the roll later. > 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get > straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. > Seven. See ya." > 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do > that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes > you the world's best driver. > 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in > the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there > in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while > the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. > 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't > make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns" > > 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you > mad, bint?" > 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's > right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t. >>>>HOW GOOD IS THIS ? >>>> >>>> > >REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER & JUNK MAILERS >>>> > > >>>> > >Three Little Words That Work!! >>>> > > >>>> > >(1) The three little words: "Hold On, Please..." >>>> > >Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off >>>>(instead >>>> > >of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call >>>>so much >>>> >>>> > >more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a >>>>halt. >>>> > > >>>> > >Then when you eventually hear BT's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you >>>>know >>>> > >it's time to go back and hang up your handset .... you have >>>> > >efficiently completed your task. >>>> > > >>>> > >These three little words could help eliminate telephone >>>>soliciting. >>>> > > >>>> > >(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on >>>>the >>>> > >other end? >>>> > > >>>> > >This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone >>>>calls >>>> > >and  records the time of day when a person answers the phone. >>>> > > >>>> > >This technique is then used to determine the best time of day >>>>for a >>>> > >"real" salesperson to call back and get someone at home. >>>> > > >>>> > >What you can do after answering:   If you notice there is no >>>>one >>>>there, >>>> >is >>>> > >to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or >>>>7 >>>>times, as >>>> > >quickly as possible.    This confuses the machine that >>>>dialled the >>>>call >>>> >and >>>> > >it kicks your number out of their system.      Gosh, what a >>>>shame not >>>>to >>>> > >have your name in their system any longer!!! >>>> > > >>>> > > >>>> > >3: When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for >>>> > >everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar >>>>type junk, >>>> > >do not throw >>>> >away >>>> > >the return envelope. >>>> > > >>>> > >Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, >>>>right? >>>> > > >>>> > >It costs them more than the regular postage "IF" and when >>>>they are >>>> > >returned.   It costs them nothing if you throw them away!     >>>>In that >>>> >>>> >case, >>>> > >why not get  rid of some of your other junk mail and put it >>>>in these >>>> > >coollittle, postage-prepaid return envelopes. >>>> > > >>>> > >Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American >>>>Express ... >>>> >>>> >they >>>> > >might need one! >>>> > >Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs >>>>up. >>>>You >>>> >get >>>> > >the idea. >>>> > > >>>> > >If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them >>>>back >>>> > >their blank application form ... after all, it is their form! >>>> > > >>>> > >If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name >>>>isn't on >>>> >anything >>>> > >you return. >>>> > > >>>> > >You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just >>>>to keep >>>> >them >>>> > >guessing!     It still costs them, and it is their envelope >>>>after all >>>>... >>>> > >you are just returning it!!!! >>>> > > >>>> > >The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a >>>>lot of >>>> > >their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to >>>>OVERWHELM >>>> >>>> > >them, in order to stop them. >>>> > > >>>> > >Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, >>>>and best >>>> >>>> > >of all they're paying for it ... Twice! >>>> > > >>>> > >Let's help keep Royal Mail busy.   Since the Royal Mail are >>>>saying >>>>that >>>> > >e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help >>>>them so >>>> > >they >>>> >will >>>> > >not need to increase postage costs again.   You get the idea! >>>> > > >>>> > >If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe >>>>you'll >>>> > >get >>>> >very >>>> > >little junk mail anymore. >>>> > >     Rearranging letters: >> >>DORMITORY: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>DIRTY ROOM >> >>PRESBYTERIAN: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>BEST IN PRAYER >> >>ASTRONOMER: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>MOON STARER >> >>DESPERATION: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>A ROPE ENDS IT >>THE EYES >>When you rearrange the letters: >>THEY SEE >> >>GEORGE BUSH: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>HE BUGS GORE >> >>THE MORSE CODE: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>HERE COME DOTS >>  >>SLOT MACHINES: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>CASH LOST IN ME >> >>ANIMOSITY: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>IS NO AMITY >> >>ELECTION RESULTS: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>LIES - LET'S RECOUNT >> >> >>SNOOZE ALARMS: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S >> >>A DECIMAL POINT: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>IM A DOT IN PLACE >> >> >>THE EARTHQUAKES: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>THAT QUEER SHAKE >> >> >>ELEVEN PLUS TWO: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>TWELVE PLUS ONE >> >> >>AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: >>MOTHER-IN-LAW: >>When you rearrange the letters: >>WOMAN HITLER   Sorry to all the beautiful blonde girls; A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get  it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.      He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."